_Foundation

_wow. I havn't been here in a while which is kind of weird.I miss writing here but i have been busy with school and with the finishing of my season. Im just tired.

_On another note: "foundation"

_Growing up where i did has enabled me to have the mentality that i have which has gotten me through the tribulations life has set on my stoop. Yet growing up in the "hood" can either make you or break you......Some people are proud of it and others are ashamed and disclaim it.

_ The hood was vital in the foundation of my upbringing. Being raised in another place would have definitely altered my perception on life and people that live in urbanized communties. I feed off of the society i am around, i use it to my advantage and strive to become better and excel in my field of work to help those who do not have that drive within them to find it.
_ We say its time for change but it starts from within. That goes for everything...if you are not willing to change for the better of oneself then how are you going to expect the society to change......I mean you are apart of it duh.....
_ It just does not make no sense......why is it that ones own social status is of great importance? It has been implemented on us from birth. We were all born into a class.....okay let me not go off on a tangent.....

_chyll
_confused about others perceptions
_till next time<3

_miss him

_ so I miss him. his laughter his smile and his sarcasm....I miss it all... We live so close yet we are so far apart. BUT BESTY I LOVE YOU>>>>>>>>>>>>>ODDDDDDD>.............I remember back to july 4th when we first like chylled and i braided that soft ass hair of yours.... my whole fams was there...it was carazie....I was so scared like what the fuk did i get myself into "i do not know this kid" but through out the years you turned out to be more than just a friend.....you became my bestfriend.....WEll godforbid I talk about any boys or sex or girls with you......Oh you woulda cursed the shyt outta me but after a while you got used to it and realized what the fuk was wrong with you.
_ Flippy is always willing to show me the world.... take me out to eat and tell me about these dumb ass bytches that wear timbs that he likes....ughhhhzzz (pissin me off).
_ I love him though. He needs to cum visit me up at my school.

_I miss him. I just do.

_chyll I aint soft just lovin.

_spoke

_past?

_sammi is doing my hair and its 4 in da morning.......have a game tomorrow gotta look cute right lol.

_anywho question of the night before hitting the sack would be.....What to do when someone who you talked to in the past sparks up new flames in your life? How are you going to forget about past emotions and help build on what is new? Im confused.

_chu chu your sumthing else man.

_going to bed

quote of the month:
" Im tired of lending my heart to a hand filled with fire"

_Consistency stronger than Change

_this weekend by far has been one of the good ones. From goofin around on friday to parties on saturday to jam cooking dinner for us on sunday....I would say my weekend was well spent.

_Back in highschool the atmosphere was so different. Yet a group of us stood out of the crowd. The group of us that dressed different and was not afraid to speak with their clothes. That was us. We were a tight niche group that did not allow fake people amongst us and when we sensed it we called it out. From lunch room days where you would have the flyest outfit on and you would cut class just to walk in to show off what you were wearing, to the days where everyone had to go to work and we all took the train on the manhattan side and waved to jam as she solemnly went to green acres to work at oldnavy.(lol)

_I remember the good ol' times where we dealt with boyfriends or as me and jam would call them shawty'z(boys you talk to not your bf). It was weird yet time consuming and enticing. However, the day graduation came was the day that we parted and went our own seperate ways. We all went to different colleges and some of us just got a high school diploma. Never in a million years would we have thought we weren't going to act the same towards one another after a year of college.

_ Jam and I went to the same school were roommates and managed not to hate one another after dorming with each other. We grew a close bond and became more than just close friends we became bestfriends. Yet when we got back to the hood nothing was the same everything changed. As me and her grew closer the other two friends that were lke sisters grew farther apart to the point where all we had was eachother. We knew that no matter what happened we will always be here for one another and it remains that way.

_It hurts to know that loyalty honesty and friendship can go down the drain in just a matter of months.

_ It hurts but fuk it... ALL we have is us.=)

_distraught

jeesh where to start off....

After a long day of thinking and emotionally feeling distraught about alot of situations that are occuring to me that I have no control over i wonder wtf else is there to do, to think, to say ? I have grown and yes I have changed. I am no longer the child that over exceeds her feelings and emotions towards things which affect her relationships with others. I know longer am so judgmental about others nor do I waist my time and energy on negativity. I want to live. I want to be able to miss who I want and talk to who I please. I want to experience the unusual because the usual is so common.

Most importantly I want to love. I want to love unconditionally giving that other person a sense of relief. I want to emerge my self in their emotion. Feel what they feel.

Who gives a fuck about what happened in the past. Of course the past molds people into who they are in the present. It gives people reason to change from what they used to be but what people should not do is hold that against others changing. It's unfair. I am one of them. '

Yes I have fucked up. But everybody fuks up.

Shyt happens. Yet life moves on.

sidebar:love u jam....ur like the sneakers on my feet.....(think bout it)<<3

_chyll

_Not a bird nor a Plane

_what to feel ?what to say ?when you do not know what your heart wants your future to behold. Im so confused. I do not know whether or not i want to stay at this school and graduate from here. It's like damn my friends ....but at the end of the day i gotta do wat i have to do for myself you know.

_ What is love? who knows? everyone has their own definition but its like when do you come to a point in your life when you feel like it is real? when out of all those broken hearts you have encountered this person that has came into your life is being real and you open up. Well at least you try to open up but your mentality is telling you not to because of what you have felt. Yet the purity of your heart is letting go all of its truth and honesty. What to do?

_what is right for me? How can i figure tht out? idk. Living for the moment is what i have been doing because that is all i know. I do not know whether or not I will be here tomorrow so why not do everything today. See i think as a society we are too dependable on the tomorrow with out focusing on what is going on today whcih forces us not get things accomplished.

_ life is golden only when we live it to its potential

_chyll confused.

_People.Life.Friends

People change.

Life moves on.

People dwell.

Life doesn't give two shyts.

People cry.

Life doesn't even blink twice.

Why?

People who have been following know i have been emotionally distressed for quite some time. From friends saying unexpected shyt to my teammates and regular girl drama. I have been hanging in there though just figuring out emotions and how to deal with everyday life bullshyt. From my previous blogs i was questioning my friends and there friendship towards me; and the more i got to thinking the more i came to the realization that only true friends will let you hear things that may not be so amusing at first and can hurt at times but if they are true they really do not mean it in that way. It took me almost two weeks to realize that. Although i was hurt, i was able to see the positives and hold out on my initial reactions without thinking because i truly care.

They say your college friends are the friends that will be there for a lifetime;they didn't say it was going to come with a hard ache....lol....

I guess you just have to let shyt flow riight?

Feeling better than these past couple of days!!!!!!

Stay tuned for everyday bullshyt<3

_chyLL

_dis weekend!

_what to think off this weekend. Well for one on saturday, I had two games @ cobleskill, one against kings college and another against cobleskill. We lost against kings college and won against cobleskill. I was ma hype throughout the games I started the second game and was a consistent player through out the game. I even saw someone who had went to my highschool. I had a good time.....very confident in my game and couldnt no one tell me anything. Later on that night, my homies from CT came through and we had od fun. Like they were just mad chyll. We all was driddy me and jam were od od driddy just jokin and dancin around like fools. I enjoyed myself. Besides niggas throwin up on themselves and people loosin their shyt we all had a pretty gud time. We just stood in the house and was just chylln. Not to mention that I love my wife jam.....we just know eachoter so well with out talkin we know the deal...ha.

_Anywho this weekend was a college weekend goin dwn in the bookz.

_finish writing in the blog later gotta go back to hw

_chyll!!!!!!!

_done wit it!!!

_friends?

_ Just when you thought things were going good. So now "im fuckin any random dude i just fucking met" shows what respect you have for me as your friend! Im done trying to laugh at everything brushing shyt off in general. I'm done. I know my self better than anyone knows me so do not tell me that "I must not know who I am when I am drunk". Who the fuck are you? The problem here is that people focus too much on others that they fail to realize different aspects of themselves are awkward for people around them.

_Living with people I just met last year does not seem as bad as i thought it was but its cool. It hurts. Now i know just a tad bit on how Jam and tay felt when we had a discussion and a meeting on how we felt they were acting towards us.(doesnt feel too well)

_go ahead and talk shyt about me if ya want! FUK IT

_Studying emotion and body language as a form of expression towards ones feelings in regards to something else has been my strongest point of study in life. I saw that tonight. I see it alot......idk how to feel right now.

Like Lauryn Hill said "when we submit our will to someone elses opinion apart of us dies"

_consider it dead<3

.....not in the right state of mind<3

Lemme rock!!

_stay tuned for everyday bullshyt(more to come)

_chyll

_piSSed oFF

_ So i mean I just got back from my game and im not in a good. My team is not a team which hurts us on the court. There are some of us who want this more than others and then there are some of us who are just playing for ourselves. Back in highschool while under the wing off my basketball coach and volleyball coach i learned how important a team was. How even though the team may have been facing a better team how well they played and came together and won the game, the match whatever it was.

_It's hard to say this but im tired of this team. Tired of the drama and the gossip. I just want to volley a ball across the net with out cat fights. When things of this sort occur you usually say to keep it off the court. However, what your heart feels will spill out even if you do not want it too and that showed today on the court. Failure of communication on the court killed us and im walking with my head down.......far down.

I just want to play volleyball<3

stay tuned for the bullshyt.

_chyll<3